Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Love and Panic at Uncle D’s Olde Fashioned Ice Cream Emporium - 5

“I have an idea.”

“Terrific, let’s do that.”

“Don’t you know what it is?”

“So long as it’s not give up and get goated to death, I’m in.”

“We need to go to the shed.”

Which wasn’t going to be a problem, since I didn’t know how to get anywhere else. We hit the wrongness of the field and Selene kept running, grabbing a sickle off the side of the shed. She grabbed another one and tossed it to me.

“Come on” she said, and tossed the shed doors open.

It wasn’t any better the second time around. Selene grabbed a sheet hanging near the door and did some kind of woman magic and turned it into a fairly passable toga. She shut the shed door, dropped a board in the slats to lock it. It probably wouldn’t slow Big Daddy D down for long, but what the hell. The sickle wasn’t as good as the hatchets I usually used, but it was passable. I gave it a few experimental swings. Not too bad. But still…

“I don’t figure these are going to do much to a god.”

“No,” she said, “they won’t. But they don’t have to.”

I feel Pan coming, a shuddering rising in my loins the smell of flowers blooming. Selene stood over one of the brides and slashed with the sickle, cutting the tubes carrying away their mother’s milk.

“Take the other side and keep moving”

I started chopping the tubes, the sickle sharper than I would have imagined. The brides started to stir as soon as I cut the wires, blinking away and looking at me in a way that might have been flattering and interesting if it weren’t so terrifying. Pure and unadulterated lust was something I was pretty sure that I never wanted to see again.


I wasn’t sure exactly how many brides there were, but we were a good ways down the aisle when the doors turned into splinters. Uncle D stepped through the doors. It was like looking at one of those hologram things that had two images together. I was looking at the kindly old Uncle and the Great God Pan at the same time. He smiled, and wiped rocky road off his face, licked the melted ice cream off his hand.

“Ah, Rocky Road,” he said, “Some of my very best.”

He looked at Selene with a look that would have given a eunuch a hard on.

“My darling bride. Come with me and I will show you a night that you will never forget, I promise you that.”

Selene smiled. I was a little worried. I hope somebody had a plan that didn’t end in satyr rape. Then she gave him the finger.


“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come and get me, goat nuts.”

I liked her more all the time. Pan came charging, still flickering between being the kindly Uncle D and the Great God. Selene went running. So did I.

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